


Tattooed Heart

by WriterPrincess95 (N3DDYT3DDY)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort/Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6223642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N3DDYT3DDY/pseuds/WriterPrincess95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You will not take her." </p>
<p>“I promise I am a much better shot than you are.” She says, pulling the hammer back on the gun with a click. “Now step aside or I will show you the meaning of Wanheda and there will be no new commander.”  </p>
<p>OR </p>
<p>Where Lexa doesn't die and I fix this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When All Seems Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't let Lexa die, so here we are. 
> 
> I have plans for this to be a potentially long Multi Chapter and lot of plot ideas, so let me know what you think. 
> 
> Comments are appreciated and always welcome :) 
> 
> Here we go!

Clarke stands unaware of her surroundings, a dull ring in her ears, numbing her to anything other than the body that now lies still on ruined furs. Her heart heavy, aching at the cruel twist of fate that she could do nothing but witness. A salty wetness continues to stain her cheeks, as fresh tears fill her eyes, painting her skin red. Her fingers shake as they reach out of their own accord, seeking out the warmth of skin, remembering. Lexa had been fire when they finally allowed themselves to surrender to their joint feelings. Her fingers had scorched trails along Clarke’s skin, into her very soul, creating a permanent brand and Clarke had relished in it. She shouldn’t have been surprised. Every interaction between them carried heat, whether it was the fierceness in which Clarke first talked to the commander or the way she had called her out that day in the tent. Even when they said nothing, a smouldering heat behind their eyes betrayed them. Everything was heat and now it wasn’t. Now it was cold. 

Clarke jerks her hand back in realization as her heart stutters and her breath dies in her lungs. This is her fault, she did this. All she had to do was leave and everything would have been different. Lexa wouldn’t be lying in a crumpled heap on her bed. Titus wouldn’t be tending to whatever the commanders spirit was in that worn tin. All she had to do was leave and she couldn’t. Why didn't she just leave?

“Clarke?”

Someone is trying to talk to her, but she can’t hear them over the tightness in her chest and the pounding behind her eyes. She bends over bracing her arms on her knees. She did this. This is her fault. 

“Clarke!” She flinches as someone grabs both of her shoulders, wrenching her up. “Clarke, look at me!” The voice harsh as the person demands eye contact. 

Clarke lifts her head and blue eyes meet bloody ones. Murphy. 

“Clarke, we need to go.” He cups her cheeks with his battered hands, smearing blood against the wetness of her cheeks. “It’s not safe, we have to get the hell out of here.” 

“No.” She whispers, pushing his hands from her face.

“There is nothing you can do, we will end up like her if we don’t leave.” He reasons, tugging her towards the door. 

“I said no!” She yells as she yanks her arm free, darting back to the beside. “I’m not leaving her yet.” 

Clarke hears Murphy groan as she runs her fingers softly through Lexa’s blood soaked hair. “You are going to get me killed…again.You know that right.” 

That’s when Clarke sees it, a small twitch of Lexa’s chest. 

“You really are a piece of work princess, what Clarke wants Clarke gets right?” She can hear him breaking things against the wall as he yells. “Screw everyone else!” 

Clarke blocks out his rampage as she watches Lexa intently, looking for any more minute movements. She couldn't be, could she? 

“You might be fine with dying Clarke.” 

“Murphy, I think she is still breathing.” Murphy is taking no notice as he slams his fist against the wall repeatedly. “Murphy.” 

“I sure as hell care about dying princess.” 

“Murphy” She tries, moving her hand to the side of the girls neck as a flicker of hope begins to blossom in her chest. 

“I haven't been through this shit storm to die in an over decorated office space!” 

“MURPHY!” She yells, pulling him out of his rant. “She is still alive.” Clarke rests her ear against Lexa’s chest and hears a flutter of a heartbeat. Its weak, but definitely there. Relief floods through her quickly replaced with concern. How were they going to save her?

“Impossible.” The declaration finally bringing Titus back from the desk he was working at and back beside the bed. 

Clarke watches as he puts his ear to the Commander’s chest searching just as Clarke had. She knows she was right when he pulls back, his face pale. 

“I removed the Commanders Spirit.” He mutters, running a hand over his face. 

“Perhaps you should have made sure she was dead before you cut into her neck and pulled out the creepy AI.” Murphy snarks. 

“We need to get her to Arkadia, she has lost too much blood.” Clarke realises as she starts pacing, a plan beginning to form. “We need the equipment we salvaged from Mt Weather and my Mother.” 

“You cannot…” Titus starts. 

“Murphy find something to act as a tourniquet, a sheet or something.” Clarke orders and surprisingly Murphy moves around the room quickly trying to find something suitable. 

“You will not take her!” Titus booms. 

Murphy catches Clarke’s eyes and inclines his head to the right. She follows his line of sight to see the gun Titus was wielding laying in the corner by the door. 

“I have to, it’s the only way to save her.” Clarke reasons, moving towards the gun collecting discarded bloody rags as she goes. 

“Hey! You heard the lady, or do you want your commander to die for real?” Murphy mocks as he draws Titus’s gaze away from Clarke long enough for her to pick up the gun and slide into the back of her jeans and rush back to the Commanders side. 

“You don’t understand, the Commanders spirit has never been taken from an alive commander, if you take her away now the consequences…” 

“Are for you to bear, If she stays here she will die and I won’t accept that.” 

Clarke wraps a bandage tight around Lexa’s neck to stem the bleeding at the back of her neck, but not enough to cause permanent damage. Murphy returns to her side with a thin curtain placing it on the bed, scrunching his face when he sees her push a rag into the bullet hole with her fingers. Clarke then instructs him to hold Lexa up while she wraps the curtain tightly around her midsection, tying it off around her back. She then puts her ear back to Lexa's chest to check for a heartbeat. She is relieved when she finds one albeit a little slower than it should be. 

“She needs blood.” 

“I don’t know if you have noticed, but her blood is black.” Murphy flourishes his hand at black stained furs. 

“I know, but humans only have certain blood types, what makes her blood black must be outside of her blood type. I am O negative I should be able to donate without harming her.” Clarke explains, though she is unsure as to whether or not it will work, but she has no other option. 

“She won’t make it to Arkadia without one.” 

Clarke runs to the desk where Titus’s tools where and rummages through the red satchel. She sighs in triumph when she pulls out a large gauge needle. 

“Don’t touch that! It is for use with the commanders Ascension day only.” Titus yells as he makes a move to stop her. 

Murphy runs at him, tackling him to the ground. “What are you waiting for do it!” He yells as he struggles with Titus. 

Not needing to be told twice Clarke returns to Lexa’s side where she ties a rage around the girls upper arm and squeezes until the veins in her elbow become visible. She then begins to make a fist and tap at her own elbow crease, remembering what her Mother had taught her. 

“Do it quick, the blood cannot have time to clot in the syringe or it will be useless.” She mumbles to herself as she sits down on the bed and readies the syringe. “Please be clean, please be clean.” She grimaces as she slides the needle into her skin and pulls back on the stopper. 

She continues to pull at a constant steady pace until the large barrel is full. She then quickly withdraws it and slides it into the Commanders waiting vein, pushing it in even slower than she withdrew it from herself. When she is finished she repeats the process until she is hopeful that she has enough to make the trip to Arkadia. She hears a grunt followed by a gasp and looks up to see Titus standing with a knife to Murphy’s throat. 

“I cannot let you leave with her. If her fight is over, she must die so that the new commander can be chosen. If I need to kill you both to protect that I shall.” He says, pushing the knife harder against Murphy. Clarke pulls the gun out in response, pointing it at Titus.

“I can save her. I am not leaving her here to die, you love her, let me help her. Let me save her.” 

“I am Flamekeeper first, the commanders legacy must be protected you don't understand, I am the only one who can.”

Clarke has had enough of his ramblings. Every moment they waste here is the closer Lexa dances to death. 

“No you don't understand I am taking her and if you try to stop me you won’t live to regret it, only Flamekeeper.” Clarke snarls as she hears his underlining worry and advances on him, her face becoming contorted in anger.

Murphy’s eyes go wide at the sight. He knew from past experiences that Clarke did what it took to keep her people safe, but he had never seen her this dark before. The energy in the room seemingly being shifted to her. 

“I promise I am a much better shot than you are.” She says, pulling the hammer back on the gun with a click. “Now take me to the horses and get us out of this city or I will show you the meaning of Wanheda and there will be no new commander.” 

Her words must have had the desired effect because he reluctantly lets go of Murphy and motions to the door. 

“You’re bleeding.” Murphy states, motioning to her arm, where blood trickled down to her fingers. 

“I’m fine.” She snaps. “You wanted to get out of here? Pick her up and follow me.” Murphy does as he is told, begrudgingly as he mumbles something about how she must really be a princess. 

Once Murphy has Lexa slung across his shoulders, they follow Titus out of the door and down the hall, making a quick turn down a narrow corridor. 

“This is for the Commanders use only, no guards, it leads directly her private stables. There are only guards posted there when the door isn’t secured.” He states as he pulls an old key out of his pocket. 

When they reach the door at the end of the corridor, Clarke motions with her gun for Titus to open the door. The hinges squeak in protest as Titus pushes it open and sunlight pours into the corridor, causing them to squint against the light. As they step out into the open yard, Clarke can see the stables to the right of the door. Three horses sticking their head through adjoining wooden fencing already sporting saddles. She recognizes two of them as the ones Lexa and herself rode to Arkadia on, though they set of from the city gates last time. 

“They are ready during the day for riding at a moments notice.” Titus explains and then points to a large steel enforced gate. “That gate, leads to a corridor of woods restricted to the Commander only, that branches out into the forest that will stretch to Arkadia.” 

Clarke nods as she leads two of the horses out of the stable and mounts the one she doesn’t recognize, a large black horse with a white blaze and matching socks. She then motions for Murphy to hand her Lexa, helping to pull her up into the saddle in front of her, earning a slight, almost inaudible groan from Lexa. She doesn't open her eyes or fully regain consciousness, for which Clarke is glad, it wouldn't be a pleasant ride for Lexa and the pain could send her into shock and kill her before the blood loss did. Clarke could feel Lexa’s heart beat a little stronger against her chest, filling her with hope that the blood transfusion worked, even if momentarily. Once she was settled, Murphy slung himself up onto the other horse and cursed as he got his bearings on the new beast. They both then started towards the gate.

“I beg you Wanheda. You don’t know the consequences of what you are doing, the things you have set in motion.” Titus pleads as he opens the gate.

“You have the spirit of the Commander, I am going to save the spirit of Lexa. She isn’t dying for your mistake.” Clarke vows as she kicks her horse into motion. 

 

They set off at a gallop through the woods, Clarke not putting away her gun until they were out of sight of polis. 

“Just hold on Lex.” She whispers against her hair. “Just hold on.”


	2. Into the Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murphy and Clarke journey to Arkadia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter, my apologies if there are any mistakes, I smashed this out today so I could post it. Thank you to all those who have read and commented on this, it gives me confidence that people are interested in this and want me to continue. :)

The forest came into focus as the horses slowed down into a walk. Clarke had set an almost brutal pace, thundering through the foliage, spurred on by Lexa’s fluttering heartbeat against her chest and a desperation to beat the formation of the barricade. They had ridden relentlessly for hours, only slowing as they came within 2 miles of Arkadia. She relaxed her grip on the reins as her horse heaved in breaths, sending billows of vapour into the air. The horse had carried her well, never once stumbling, the uneven gait the only sign of the exhaustion it must have felt. 

Clarke places her hand on the beasts neck. “Thank you.” She whispers, fighting the urge to spur him on again. Although she was anxious to get Lexa to Arkadia, she recognised that if she pushed the horses too far, they might not get there at all.

Clarke winces as she adjusts herself in the saddle. Supporting Lexa’s limp weight whilst ridding proved difficult, her muscles needing to be constantly taught to keep the girl in place. They screamed in protest as she tried to stretch them out, hoping for relief . She heard a string of curses and looked over to see Murphy not doing much better. His hands were splayed on the saddle, supporting his weight on his hands so his body hovered above the horse. Clarke felt for him, remembering the first time she had ridden a horse and how the commander had laughed when she had hobbled for the remainder of the day.

“It gets easier.” He turns to look at her quizzically. “Riding a horse.” She clarifies. “I feel your pain though.” 

“Somehow I sincerely doubt that princess.” He grumbles, continuing to adjust himself. Her eyes widen in realisation as a laugh bursts out of her chest. He glowers at her in response. 

“Sorry.” She laughs.

 

They continue to guide the horses through the woods in relative silence, Clarke relaying the events of the past few weeks to Murphy before focusing her eyes forward again. The uneven ground is wet, sending a musky scent drifting through the air as the horses hooves leave divots in the forest floor. Clarke leans over slightly to make sure the ground is stable enough that the horses won’t slip. Satisfied she settles back into the saddle running her spare hand through the brunettes locks then dipping down to check the pulse at her neck. Her pulse is slow, but isn’t as thready as it was before they left. At this point, until they get to Arkadia that’s the best she can hope for. 

“You are still bleeding you know.” Murphy states, pulling Clarke out of her thoughts. 

“It’s fine.”

“If it was fine, it would have stopped by now.” 

“I said It’s fine.” Clarke snaps. “Why are you still here anyway? I’m not forcing you to come with me.”

Murphy rolls his eyes. “If I didn’t want to be here I wouldn’t be, trust me.” 

Clarke scoffs as she turns her gaze to him. “Yeah because that worked so well last time.” 

“I didn't try to kill you.” He smirks.

Clarke glares at him. “That doesn’t earn you trust.” 

“Look.” He sighs. “I’m a survivor, if you die… If she dies.” He jerks his finger at the girl leaning against her. “Then all this goes to shit. Arkadia, the Coalition, everything. Two teenage girls are somehow the goddamn lynch pin holding all of this.” Murphy gestures wildly with his hands. “Together.” 

She looks at him skeptically. “I am not that important.” 

“Bullshit. You have always been that important. Even when it was just the 100. I heard all about you while I was traveling with Emori.” Clarke didn't know who Emori was, but decided to file that away for later.

“Bottom line princess, if you and the commander are alive and you stop the sky from falling, I don't die. I take the survivors move, I stay where I will survive.” He lifts his gaze to hers. “You may not trust me, but you can trust that.”

Clarke studies him for awhile. He really is a survivor, after everything that has happened to him he should be dead. The punishment he took from Titus alone would kill some, but he always manages to scrape through. She didn't trust him, but she would need all the help she could get if she was going to not only get Lexa to her Mother, let alone keep her safe long enough to recover. No, she didn't trust him, but she did need him and she would give him the opportunity to earn her trust. As she is pondering Murphy, the trees start to thin and the ground flattens out. 

“We are here.” 

“I hope you aren't planning on walking through the front door.” He snarks as he stumbles down off his horse, collapsing into a heap on the ground. 

“No, there is a hidden back entrance that we will use. We have to leave the horses here though.” 

Murphy curses as he rights himself, stretching out the stiffness in his leg. When they can support his weight he walks up beside Clarke and pulls Lexa off the horse gently. Clarke follows suit landing on the ground with a soft thud. As Murphy supports Lexa, Clarke ties the horses to a nearby tree, where there is plenty of grass for them to graze. She would figure out a way to come back for them later. She walks back over to Lexa, brushing strands of wild hair out of her eyes. Her face pale, ghostly even and it throws Clarke, making her heart ache. It was such a contrast to the usual tan that would make her skin glow. Different to the blush that had spread across her cheeks when she had discovered Clarke liked to draw her. It made her lip tremble and her hands shake. She wanted more of those moments, more of this woman that had so unexpectedly altered her life. She moves her hands down to cup pale cheeks as she allows her lips to rest on damp forehead. 

“You are going to be fine.” She murmurs, She had to be.

“OK princess, time for heart eyes later.” He smirks “When she isn't at deaths door.” Pulling Clarke out of her trance.

Murphy swings Lexa up into his arms with a hiss and follows as Clarke starts to make her way through the trees towards the back edge of the Ark. 

“This is how Octavia got me in to see Bellamy, when Pike first got appointed.” She explains, bending down at the side of the Ark, unscrewing a sheet of metal hiding the crawl space. “It runs along side the rest of the Ark so no one knows about it. It will bring us close to the med bay.” 

 

Her heart is thundering in her chest. She has kept a calm facade the entire journey, concentrating only on getting here as quickly as possible. This was it though, if she couldn't get Lexa to her Mother, she was going to die. She squeezes her eyes against the tears threatening to spill over at the thought. She shakes her head, forcing herself to focus. Clarke enters the small corridor, bending to accommodate. She motions for Murphy to come closer, grasping Lexa’s wrists. He seems to get the idea because he moves back to support her legs, before bending to enter the corridor as well. With the brunette suspended between them, they begin to walk.

“Here we go” She breathes. 

“Here we go” Murphy echoes. 

 

When they reach the end of the corridor, Clarke and Murphy lay Lexa gently on the ground. Clarke slides the loose part in the wall back just enough to see if anyone is walking past. She waits, breathing shallowly waiting to make sure guards don’t patrol this hallway. She is about to open the metal completely when she hears the echo of footsteps coming in her direction. She places a finger against her lips as she glances in Murphy’s direction. He gives her a nod as she turns her attention back to the person approaching. As the figure walks past she can distinguish a familiar face. 

Sighing with relief she whispers. “Miller.” She pulls back the metal as he approaches.

“Clarke?” 

“Miller, is my Mom in the Med Bay?” She asks in a rushed tone. Now was not the time for a reunion. 

“Yeah, Pike has assigned her there during daylight hours.” He glances into the crawl space. “Is that the commander?” He asks , eyes widening. 

“Miller, I don't have much time, I need you to get me to my Mother.” 

“Yes, of course follow me.” He shakes his head and starts walking as Murphy steps out into the hallway, swinging the commander into his arms once again. 

“You timed this well, Pike and most of the guards are in a meeting, only a few are still patrolling.” He smiles. “This is my sector.” 

They reach the Med Bay quickly, Miller ushering them through the door. As they step over the threshold, Clarke sees her Mother and Kane crouched over a desk going over notes. She wastes no time in rushing forward as her Mother’s head snaps up at the sudden movement. 

“Clarke?” She gasps, a smile spreading onto her face as she moves forward to pull her daughter into a hug. 

Clarke steps back and points to Murphy, who is still holding the limp brunette in his arms.

“Mom, Lexa’s been shot, I tried, but there was so much blood.” She whispers grasping at her Mother’s forearms. 

“Clarke, What…” It is Kane who speaks this time, stepping around from behind the desk. Clarke ignores him, focusing on her Mother, eyes pleading.

“You need to save her mom.” A sob escapes her throat. “You need to save her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. Next chapter we will be delving into saving Lexa and how certain people will react to the news that she is in Arkadia *cough Pike *cough. I thought about skipping the journey to Arkadia, but I wanted to explore the Murphy/Clarke relationship first, hopefully you guys liked it. 
> 
> Until Next Time :)


	3. Bleed Me Dry Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby fights to save Lexa, Clarke fights herself and Pike just wants to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all :) 
> 
> So here is the next chapter, hopefully you guys like it. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts :)

“Mom, you need to save her.”

 

“Clarke what happened?”

 

“She— she was shot, Titus he…”

 

“Titus, why would he…”

 

“Mom! Just save her. You need to save her.” Clarke yells as she watches Murphy gingerly place Lexa on the nearest bed. Wringing her hands together as she watches Abby spring into action, cutting off the cloth covering the brunette’s wounds, beginning to examine the damage with practiced hands.

 

“Clarke, how long ago did she get shot?” Abby asks as she pulls on the rag wedged into the girls bullet wound.

“It was my fault he was after me, but she— she…”

“Clarke!”

“Last night.” Murphy cuts in as he moves to help Kane, who is frantically rifling through cupboards, determined to find equipment to help save the Commanders life. “I can’t give you an exact time.”

Abby nods, pushing fresh lap pads into the wound. “Kane, I’m going to need a full kit. This is going to be a long night.”

 

Clarke rocks back on her heels as she watches her Mother press her body weight onto Lexa, causing the brunettes blood soaked arm to fall over the edge of the table; sending a splattering of blood across the floor. Clarke’s stomach drops at the sight.

“I did this — my fault.” Clarke gasps out as time stands still. Everything is loud, rushed and Clarke is in the epicentre stunned to silence. The ringing in her ears has returned and she is blind to all, save the limp brunette whose blood has started to collect on the floor once again. Her eyes zero in on the droplets of black dripping off the edge of the sleek metal table, falling onto the floor, the small splash almost deafening. Her chest tightens painfully; this is happening again. She is bleeding out again. She did this. Her Fault.

 

“Clarke, why is her blood black?” Her Mother is trying to get her attention, but all she can focus on is all the black. So much black. She shivers.

“Clarke? Clarke hey.” A deeper voice this time, Miller maybe. Clarke doesn’t look up from the black to check.

“Get out of my way.”

“But—.”

“Move Miller.”

“Princess.” Murphy calls as he shakes her shoulders. Clarke looks up to see Murphy, Miller standing behind him, his brows furrowed. “Dude, really?” Murphy snaps, eying him over his shoulder.

“She is my friend too.”

“Go watch the door.”

“But—.”

“Don’t make me hurt you.”

Miller sighs in defeat and moves to stand over by the door, leaving Murphy standing in front of Clarke. He tucks his hand under her chin, pulling it up until they are eye level.

“I know that this is shit. That this is happening all over again for you, but if you want her to survive you can’t fall apart, not yet.” Clarke forces her eyes to focus as she waits for him to continue.

“You can’t be Clarke.” He puts his hand up in surrender as Clarke glares at him. “You have to be Wanheda, strong and relentless, because Pike is going to realize she is here and is going to come for her.”

Clarke knows he is right. Even though this is killing her, she can’t let that show right now, she has to be strong. She has to be only Wanheda. “Ste Yuj” She mumbles to herself as she takes in a ragged breath, steeling herself.

 

She takes a step forward, straightening her posture as she grits her teeth, forcing more air through her nose. Closing her eyes, she fists her hands tightly at her sides as she repeats a mantra she perfected in the aftermath of Mt. Whether. A mantra that she would repeat after every nightmare, a mantra no one else knew about. Ai laik Wanheda. Ai laik nowe kwel. Ai laik yuj. Ste yuj, oni yuj. I am Wanheda. I am never weak. I am strong. Stay strong, only strong.

Clarke’s eyes snap open as she lets out a controlled breath, holding her chin high. She rolls her shoulders as she makes her way over to the medical table, lifting the brunette’s arm that dangled over the edge back onto the table, tucking it against her side.

“I am not entirely sure why her blood is black. Not sure enough that it would help you medically.” Clarke tilts her head to the side. “She hasn’t reacted negatively to the blood transfusion that I gave her before we left Polis.” Abby looks Clarke up and down, gasping when she sees her bloodied arm.

“Clarke you are still bleeding.”

Clarke, having forgot about the injury looks down at her arm with a scowl. She inspects the inconvenience for a moment before shrugging. “It’s fine.”

“It is not fine, there is no way to tell how much blood you have lost.”

“I’m not lightheaded or fatigued.” She motions to Lexa. “You can look at me after you fix her.”

“Kane” Abby barks. “Get me two units of O neg. It should be in the fridge to the left.” She indicates with a bloodied hand. “I’m not opening her up until she has a blood transfusion set up.”

Kane returns to the table with the equipment he was collecting and the blood. Clarke puts her hands on the lap pads, applying pressure as her Mother inserts a cannula into the Commanders hand and sets up the drip rate of the blood she has hanging up above them. She then connects Lexa up to a heart rate monitor, watching as her vitals come up onto the screen. Once Abby is satisfied Clarke switches positions with her again, taking a step back.

“I will need help Clarke.”

“I can’t, I need to have my hands free for when Pike comes, Kane will have to help.”

“I need someone with at least a rudimentary knowledge of medicine to help with the surgery and Kane to hand me what I need.” Her Mother reasons.

“Miller.” Clarke calls as the boy turns around to face her. “Get Lincoln.”

“That is going to be an issue, he is in lock up with the rest of the grounders.” Miller explains.

“What— Why? Ah never mind. Can you let him out?”

 “There will be one guard posted but he shouldn't be a problem.” He pauses. “As long as you aren’t worried about Pike finding out.”

Clarke waves her hand in response. “He is going to find out sooner or later, we need Lincoln.” Miller nods and heads out the door, gun in hand. Clarke in the meantime returns to the table to help her Mother start saving Lexa’s life.

 

Clarke’s hands are covered in Lexa’s blood as her Mother uses forceps to find and remove the bullet. Her hands begin to shake as she sees the metal come into view. The bullet that tore through Lexa, because of her. Because she didn't leave. She chokes back a sob at the thought, squeezing her eyes shut against the tears that threaten to spill over. _Strong, only strong._ She chastises herself. She cannot afford to lose it now, not when it is Wanheda that is needed, not when her hands are literally holding Lexa together. So Clarke takes a steadying breath and concentrates on the task at hand _._

The goal her Mother had told her, was to keep the surgery as short as possible to avoid excess strain on Lexa and if needed, do another surgery at a later date. Luckily as far as abdominal wounds went, there wasn’t an excessive amount of damage from what Abby could see. The main risk as Clarke knew, if Lexa survived the surgery was infection. Abdominal wounds almost always involved the digestive tract and with that came a much higher risk of infection. Clarke took comfort in the steady beep of the heart monitor, letting her know that Lexa was alive, that there was still hope, but she was in no way out of the woods yet. Just because her Mother had got the bullet out didn't mean all was well. She still had to repair the damage that the bullet had wreaked upon the Commanders body and then there was the recovery process. _If there was a recovery process._ She couldn’t afford to think like that though, Clarke reminds herself. The Commander needed to survive, not just for the sake of her people, but for Clarke herself. If Lexa was lost, Clarke feared that she would be as well.

 

The sound of movement behind her pulled her out of her thoughts. Craning her head behind her, she could see Miller walking through the door, Lincoln in tow. She lets out an audible sigh as her body relaxes, he looks the same as Clarke remembers if not a little worse for wear. After this she would have to find out how long exactly he has been locked up and why.

 

“Clarke?” Lincoln stepped forward, walking towards Clarke before his eyes widened. “Heda?”

“Lincoln—.”

“Clarke.” Miller interrupts. “The meeting was scheduled to finish 10 minutes ago.”

“Lincoln I don’t have time to explain right now, I need you to help my Mom save her.” Lincoln, to his credit simply nodded and proceeded to switch places with Clarke, listening intently to Abby’s instructions as she begins suturing. That was one of his finest qualities, he always acted quickly and effectively, needing little guidance. That and Clarke trusted him, which was something she didn’t do lightly. Clarke runs her fingers through the brunette’s locks before taking a step back to give them room to work.

“What the hell do we have here!” Clarke whirls around, pulling her gun in the process, pointing it at the new voice. Miller reacts a moment later slamming the hammer back on his gun with a click. Standing in the doorway, flanked by five guards was the cause of all of her people’s problems.

“Pike.” Clarke sneers. She opens her mouth to speak when a deafening, uninterrupted beep resonates through the room. _No No No._

Clarke's heart drops painfully as her voice catches in her throat. _This isn_ _’t happening._

 

Lexa just flat lined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN  
> I am a sucker for a cliff hanger, but it was also the natural place to split the chapters :)  
> Besides, it wouldn't be an interesting story if there wasn't any angst or obstacles to overcome right?  
> Before anyone has a heart attack (Myself included) I promise not to kill Clexa, for other characters I make no such promises. ;P 
> 
> Next chapter will be up sometime tomorrow, don't know what time as I have horrible organisational skills. 
> 
> Until next time wonderful readers :)


	4. Bleed Me Dry Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pike wants Lexa dead and Clarke takes a risk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, 
> 
> Sorry for the late update :( 
> 
> I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but hopefully you guys like it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reads this story, you guys blow me away. :)

 

Chaos erupts, within the small medical wing as Abby launches into action.

 

“Kane paddles. Lincoln hands off her when I say clear.”

 

“Abby, stop what you are doing right now the resources you are wast—.”

 

“Clear!” Clarke watches Lexa’s body arch off the bed as electricity pulses through her chest. Hanging onto her breath, she waits to see the monitor return to life. For Lexa to return to life. Nothing happens.

 

“Charge again.” Abby instructs Kane, moving to place the paddles on the brunettes chest once again. “Clear!” Silence encompasses the room as Clarke waits with bated breath.

 

_Beep._ Clarke's eyes widen. _Beep._ She stares at the monitor. _Beep._

 

“She’s back.”

 

Clarke sighs as relief pours through her body. Her shoulders slump, gun falling to her side as she gazes at the brunette. That had been close, too close. She takes a small step towards the bed, eying the monitor dangerously, daring it to stop its comforting beep again. Lexa was alive and she had to stay that way. She takes another small step watching her Mother resume her work with a furrowed brow, momentarily forgetting the company the group had.  Lincoln was dutifully aiding Abby in her stitches, posture tense, ready to defend should the need arise. Forever the watchful warrior. Clarke hadn’t known him very long, not like Octavia, but in the short moments of interaction between them in the lead up to the siege at Mt. Weather, they had developed a connection. She valued his courage, his willingness to sacrifice anything to do the right thing; His people, his life. She trusted him to have her back, something she desperately needed with the current turn of events.

 

“Clarke.” Millers voice, startled Clarke out of her thoughts. She looks behind her to see pike starting to step over the threshold of the door, seemingly taking advantage of her distraction.

 

She turns to face Pike, once again levelling her gun at him. “Step back.” She growls, motioning at him with her gun.

 

“You are a little out numbered to be making commands here aren't you?” He smirks, causing Lincoln to turn and take a step towards them, fists clenched at his sides.

 

“Ste kom em, ai don disha.” _Stay with them, I have this._

 

“Wanheda…” He eyes Pike warily, moving to take another step towards him.

 

Clarke raises her hand to halt him. “Yu souda fis em op.” _You must heal her_.  He nods once in response, narrowing his eyes further at Pike before returning to his spot beside Abby.

 

“I see you have gone grounder.” He sneers, taking in her form with disgust. “A traitor to your people.”

 

“I am no traitor.” She replies calmly, taking a step forward. “I do what is best for my people. Peace with the grounders is what is best for my people.”

 

He scoffs. “Then you are naïve to who grounders really are, what they are capable of.”

 

“I am naïve to nothing, the 100 lived through grounder attacks when we first crashed here.” She raises her chin, leveling him with her stare before continuing. “I ordered the deaths of 200 grounders when they attacked our camp.”

 

“Then you now what must be done, what must always be done.”

 

“That attack was the result of a build up of tension because of misunderstandings made between our people. One that the Commander and I solved.”

 

“Before she left you at a mountain to die.” He spits. “All they know is violence. Its the only thing they understand. Force.”

 

“She did that to protect her people, as for violence she offered us another way, I offered you another way. To join the thirteenth clan, to be at peace.” She implored. She needed to at least try to make him see; make him understand. “A peace you so spectacularly ruined.”

 

“I ruined nothing.” He states, going to take another step forward before Miller meets him halfway, shaking his head. “They destroyed Mt Weather, they killed my people. As they have always killed my people.” His hands are shaking now, making the guards behind him tense.

 

“ _They_ did nothing.” Clarke replies. “The ice nation destroyed Mt Weather, not the grounders.”

 

“They did everything!” he roars, pointing his finger at Lexa. “From the time we landed here one thing has been made very clear; it is kill or be killed. I’m a survivor and the only way we survive is to make them see that we are a force to be reckoned with.”

 

“How is that going for you?” Murphy snarks, breaking his silence. “Killing a bunch of grounders, causing a barricade of pissed off warriors to turn up at our door step. How is that a survivors move huh?”

 

“We kill enough of them to make them respect our land boundaries, we kill her—” He pauses to point at Lexa, causing Clarke to move her body to shield the girl from his gaze. “They will see our strength, they will leave.”

 

“Yeah, kill the only person holding the leash of the grounders outside, just waiting to kill us after what you did.” He looks to Clarke, rolling his eyes as he taps his head with his finger. What is this guy on? “There are thousands of grounders out there! What do you plan to do when you run out of bullets.”

 

“I did what is necessary to protect these people!”

 

“Your actions are fuelled by hate and your orders are given to elevate yourself.” Clarke grits through clenched teeth. “You are arrogant to think that violence is the answer to everything and in your arrogance you put these people in danger, my people.” Clarke is losing patience, Lexa is fighting for her life and the grounders have surrounded the camp. How could this man not see what he is doing is foolish and will get them all killed.

 

“I am the Chancellor, I decide what is best for these people and a pre-emptive strike against the grounders was what was best.” He snarls. “Us or them.”

 

Clarke can feel her anger simmering under her skin, casting her surroundings in a red hue. Pike was not going to be reasoned with, he was a problem . A problem that needed to be dealt with. Her whole body tenses as she tightens her grip painfully on the gun, her knuckles turning white. As she prepares herself to fire, a glance at the guards stays her hand. Pike was right, she was outnumbered and outgunned. She needed to be smart, This interaction was important, vital. _Ai laik Wanheda_. She needed to trust this part of herself.

 

“Slaughtering an army that was here to help protect your people, is an action of a small man trying to be big. You should be careful, or one day someone will show you just how small you really are.” She states coolly. Watching as a few of the guards furrow their brows. _They don’t know what he has been doing, interesting._

 

“Is that a threat?”

 

Clarke smirks. “I am Wanheda, commander of death, I don’t make threats, I make promises.” She takes a menacing step forward. “If you try to harm the Commander in any way, I will put a bullet in you faster than you can imagine.”

 

“That is a death sentence, the guards would put you down.”

 

“I am not afraid of death.” She cocks her head to side, her finger tapping dangerously close to the trigger. “The question is are you?”

 

“I—.”  
   
“Is this really the kind of person you want to protect?” She turns her attention to the guards, focusing on the ones she believed had no idea what was really going on. “Someone who orders the massacres of 300 warriors who were here to protect you.” She smiles when she sees three of them exchanging glances. “This grounder conflict was over, we were apart of the 13th clan, the Commander had killed the ice queen, justice had been served, it was over.”

 

“You said they were here to slaughter us, like sheep.” One of the guards spoke up, Clarke didn't recognize them.

 

“We would never be safe until, they understood our strength you said.” Another states as they take a step forward. “You lied. You brought the grounders here. This is your fault!”

 

“She is lying, trying to turn us against each other, we need to remain a strong unit.” Pike reasons.

 

“Why would she do that?” The third guard, a boy she recognized from the 100 starts. “She is one of us. She saved our people from Mt Weather.” Clarke smiles, if they felt this way then more people did. Pike wasn’t as popular as he liked to believe.

 

“I understand you following Pike.” Murphy says playing with his fingers. “He promised you safety in a world were there isn’t any. You all took the survivors move when you thought there wasn't another option. I can respect that.”

 

“But we know better now.” Miller reasons, taking over from Murphy. “He isn’t safety, he is the danger. He ruined the safety that Clarke and Kane built for us.”

 

“It’s up to you to take it back, to make the right choice.” Clarke finishes, looking up to the guards. Four out of the five are nodding to themselves.

 

“This is madness!” Pike yells. “The only way to be safe is if the grounders aren’t.” He stalks forward pulling his gun, aiming at the limp brunette on the table, still being worked on by Abby. His finger moves to the trigger as Clarke moves to intercept him.

 

BANG

 

“Arghh!” Pike grunts as he falls to the floor, dropping his gun to clutch his shoulder. A guard moves to point his gun at Clarke, as she turns she sees him fall limp next to Pike. The boy from the 100 standing in his stead, butt of his gun raised. Clarke flashes him a smile before moving to stand in front of Pike.

 

“I told you if you tried to harm her I would put a bullet in you.” She smirks. “I just wasn’t specific about where I would.” She bends down, until she is eye level. “Killing you now isn’t justice, its vengeance. The people will decide your fate.”

 

Clarke looks up to the remaining guards. “Take him to lock up. A healer will see to him shortly.” They move immediately, hoisting him up.

 

“It isn’t just Pike, most of farm station holds his views.” Kane states, moving around the table to stand in front of Clarke.

 

“We don’t need to lock people up for having an opinion.” Clarke warns.

 

“I agree, some might become violent though, try to free him.”

 

“Then escort those that will to lock up and organize a meeting for everyone; to explain what has happened. I trust your judgment.” Clarke replies, already eying Lexa, as her Mother finishes the stitches and Lincoln begins cleaning the blood off of her skin.

 

“Clarke, Bellamy supported Pike.”

 

Clarke sighs. Dammit Bellamy. “I trust your judgment Kane.” Kane nods and makes a move to follow the guards holding Pike. “Miller, go with him make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible.” Miller looks as if he might protest but Clarke raises an eyebrow at him causing him to sigh and follow Kane down the corridor.

 

“We’ll don’t you just love starting revolutions Princess?” Murphy drawls.

 

Clarke wasn’t listening, she was watching the slow rise and fall of Lexa’s chest. She hears Murphy huff and turns her head to see him standing beside her.

 

“Go to her.” Clarke must have looked torn because Murphy gently takes the gun out of her hand. “Wanheda did good, time to go be Clarke. I got this.” Giving her a small shove towards the table.

 

Clarke glowers at him before moving ever so slowly towards the bed, where her mother is taping gauze over the stitches.

 

“She is stable for now, I’ll set her up with more fluids and antibiotics. The next few days are crucial.” Her Mothers words sound far away as she looks at Lexa, her eyes welling up with tears.

 

“Clarke honey what—.” Whatever question her Mother was going to ask is cut off as Lincoln gently grabs her arm and leads her to stand next to Murphy by the door, giving Clarke as much privacy as could be afforded.

 

Clarke runs a finger over Lexa’s jaw and down her neck as tears flow freely. She is alive. She leans forward, resting her head on the brunettes chest, breathing in. A soft scent fills her nose, behind the blood and the grime and the disinfectant, there is a woodsy smell that is so uniquely Lexa, it brings a chocked sob out of Clarke. Her body starts shaking as a second sob follows the first, hot tears burning her eyes, running little rivers of pain down Lexa’s clavicle. Pain that no longer needs to be held back.  She cries into Lexa's chest until, her lungs start heaving for breath and her back aches from the angle. With red tinged eyes she gazes upon the commander as she lifts her head. Running her hands through thick brown locks, she whispers her plea.

 

“Please don’t leave me.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is - let me know your thoughts :) 
> 
> Also I am wanting to gauge how everyone would feel about a potential rating change? Upping the rating would give me more freedom to write upcoming violent fight scenes and smut. Let me know what you guys think :) 
> 
> Until next time.


	5. Wake Me Up, I Need To Feel Alive.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke lets her walls crumble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All, 
> 
> I know it has been an age since I have posted and for that I am sorry. Life has been a bit crazy at the moment. 
> 
> I am not completely happy with this chapter, but I wanted to get it up, so here it is. Hopefully I handled the chapter to everyone's standards :) 
> 
> As always, comments are welcome and appreciated - let me know what you think :) 
> 
> P:S A massive thanks to everyone who reads my work, you guys are amazing.

 

“Clarke wake up.”

 

Clarke, stirred at the gruff voice, grumbling incoherently before turning her head into the warmth she was resting on.

 

“Princess, wake up!” Clarke jerked awake as the voice growled in her ear, before promptly shoving her off balance. Her arm shot out to catch her weight on the corner of the bed to stop herself from landing on top of Lexa. She glared up at the voice with sleep ridden eyes, only to be met with a smug grin.

 

“Murphy! What the hell, you almost knocked me right into her.” She growled, jerking her thumb towards the still unconscious brunette.

 

“Well maybe if you slept in an actual bed and not in a chair like a freak.” He smirked as he saw her gaze harden at the jab. “You wouldn't almost fall onto said person.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes as she readjusts herself in her seat, placing a long discarded pillow on her lap. “You know why I can’t leave. No one is meant to know we are here.”

 

Three days had passed and Clarke had yet to leave the med bay. Yet to leave Lexa.

 

 

“If only there was another surface that you could sleep on.” Murphy drawls placing a finger on his lips as he gestured to the other beds within the empty med bay. “Oh wait” He gasps, thrusting his hand in the air in mock realization.

 

Clarke throws the pillow at him, which he dodges easily. “Ooh, I forgot big bad Wanheda is lurking just beneath the surface of these blond tresses.” He waves his open hand in a circle around her head. “Ready to kill —.” He cuts himself off, tilting his head to the side with a smirk. “Is your hair really blond right now though, the blood and dirt is making it hard to tell. You should really do something about that.”

 

Clarke smiles slightly at Murphy. “Shouldn't you do something about the blood you are still covered in?”

 

“Ah but you see.” He sighs dramatically. “This blond bad ass thought it would be a good idea for no one to know the commander is here, so I can’t leave either.”

 

“You are welcome to leave at any time.”

 

“I’m about as interested in Jaha finding out about a second AI as you are in Lexa here kicking it. “ He snarks. “I’ll pass. Besides your mopey ass is a pleasure to be around.”

 

“Murphy.” Clarke growls in warning.

 

“Mopey and angry. Tell me, doesn’t being two different people exhaust you.”

 

 

Clarke chose to ignore him, as she did on most occasions, instead moving her attention to Lexa. It had been three days and she had yet to wake up. Her mother said that it wasn’t uncommon, her body just needed rest and she would wake up when she was ready. Though that time couldn't come soon enough for Clarke, she was growing restless. Not knowing if the brunette was truly alright was weighing on her heart, leaving her body tired and irritable. She was sure she got more sleep in the aftermath of Mount Weather and she barely slept a wink.

 

 

Everyone who knew of her presence within Arkadia tried to keep her mind off Lexa as much as possible. Kane often came to Clarke for advice, keeping her in the loop regarding Pike and the unrest that still plagued Arkadia. It had been agreed that Pike would be put on trial for his actions after a relative peace with the grounders had been established. As Clarke had said, it wouldn't be justice to simply kill him without a trial, but a full trial wasn’t achievable right now. Just as Clarke had suspected, the majority of Arkadia didn’t agree with Pike’s decisions, in fact very few knew exactly what had transpired. The backlash Kane had feared for imprisoning Pike, was largely non existent.

 

 

The people were still fearful of the grounders though, the blockade doing little to dissuade that fear and the new rations system just added to the already unstable population. The problems that Arkadia faced before Pike were still there, simply forgotten amidst  the violence Pike like to create. Now as a result of that the food shortage issue was now harder to fix. That discussion was what would take up most of Kane and Clarke’s time, how to reacquire trade routes with the Grounders, how to gain plots of land suitable for sustainable crops. How to fix the rift that Pike created between these people. Clarke, clutching Lexa’s limp hand between her own, listened and gave her opinion for the most part, until she became too transfixed on Lexa’s lack of movement that she stopped listening. At that point Murphy would move Kane along, stating sarcastically that Clarke couldn’t fix all the worlds problems in one day. He had become a watchful guardian over the three days, seemingly in tune with her current limitations. Ushering people out of the room with a snark remark when needed. She was grateful for his watchful silence. So grateful that ignoring his presence became harder to do.

 

 

With a sigh she shook herself out of her thoughts, running her fingers through Lexa's hair before returning her attention to Murphy. “Did you wake me up for a specific reason or did you just want to annoy me?”

 

“Kane, came by; wanted to tell you that he has been made chancellor, everyone in the meeting today voted for him.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Your Mother is also coming by, to change your dressings and check up on the Commander.” He smirks, watching Clarke's face fall minutely at the mention of her mother.

 

Her Mother had become her shadow the last few days and while Clarke was great full that she was checking up on Lexa frequently, she also knew that that wasn’t the only reason for her Mother’s visits and Clarke didn't have the energy to deal with her Mother’s questions right now.

 

  
The sound of foot steps nearing the med bay drew their attention. Clarke sighs in relief when Lincoln moves into the room.

 

“Heya.” _Hello._

 

“Hei.” _Hi._ She replied, causing Lincoln to smile in response as he reached Lexa’s bedside. He stood there silently, simply watching Clarke, her hand in Lexa’s. He never pushed her to talk about anything, not like her mother or the others. He was simply content to stand by her side, sometimes having a casual conversation in Trigedasleng. He, much like Murphy knew what she needed. When her mother had come to tend to her arm, pulling her to the other side of the room, he sat down next to Lexa, speaking to her softly. He was never afraid to show his kindness. Unlike most people on the ground, his kind aura, shone freely; unguarded. It never failed to make Clarke smile.

 

“Ste Abi hir?” _Is Abby here?_ Lincoln asked, pulling Clarke out of her thoughts.

 

She rolled her eyes. “nou nau.” _Not now._

 

“Mother dearest, getting on your nerves is she princess?” Murphy drawls. He isn't fluent in the grounder language, but due to his time with Emori, he knew bits and pieces. Enough to be annoying, Lincoln would say.

 

“Yes Murphy she is.” Clarke snaps.

 

“Kane is looking for her.” Lincoln states, attempting to dissolve the tension. “But I guess he will find her.” He shrugs, moving to lean against the wall beside Lexa’s bed.

 

  
Clarke nods, returning her attention to Lexa, She had more color, she wasn’t as ghostly white as she had been when they first arrived. This however did nothing to alleviate the tight feeling that had taken root within Clarke. A feeling that seemed to only grow stronger with each day Lexa didn’t wake up.

 

Noticing her mood, Lincoln kicks off the wall, moving to stand in front of her. “Ai vout Okteivia otaim.” _I think of Octavia always_. He places a hand on his chest.  “Ai keryon. Em Ste— .” _My soul. It is —_

 

Clarke cuts him off, shaking her head. “Oktevia ste  krom Indra, em ste klir.” _Octavia is with Indra, she is safe._

 

Lincoln strides around the bed, placing his hand on her shoulder as he looks at Lexa. “Em ste klir.” _She is safe._ He holds a hand up as Clarke opens her mouth to speak. “Nou hir.” _Not here._ He smiles, pointing to Clarke's chest. “Ba krom yo, krom ai.osir don shil op Heda.” _But, with you, with me. We will protect Heda._

 

Clarke feels tears, begin to fall gently down her face as Lincoln cups her cheeks. “Em don fis op.” _She will heal_. He whispers softly, like a promise.

 

“An taim Wanheda don shil op Heda as em shils op yo.” _And Wanheda will protect Heda as she protects you_. He says with a certainty she had only known Lexa to be able to muster.

 

Clarke simply nods in response, unable to think of anything to say that would correctly convey the gratitude that she feels for Lincoln. He simply smiles in return, understanding dancing within his gaze, giving her a wink as he leaves.

 

  
“Well isn't he just a bundle of happiness, Jesus.” Murphy laughs. Earning another glare from Clarke. More footsteps sound down the hall, Murphy ducks his head  out the door to see who it was.

 

  
“Speak of the Devil and she shall appear.” Murphy drawls, moving to the other side of the med bay as Abby walks in. Murphy didn’t have a great respect for authority.  The fact that he listened to Clarke, surprised her to no end. Luckily for him, people of authority didn’t appreciate his presence either. Abby was no exception.

 

  
Ignoring Murphy’s presence, Abby walks over to Clarke pulling her into a quick hug before moving to check Lexa’s vitals and sutures.

 

“Is she ok?” Clarke asks nervously as she runs her fingertips up and down Lexa’s arm.

 

Abby pauses her observation, eyes darting to Clarke and her wandering fingers. “There is no sign of infection, the antibiotics are working; vitals are good.”

 

“Good, good.” Clarke replies nodding.

 

“Baby, you should really eat something.” Abby whispers as she moves to tend to Clarke's arm, moving it away from Lexa.

 

“Miller is going to bring me something later.” She replies, still looking at Lexa. “After his shift.”

 

“You know there is a perfectly good cafeteria—.”

 

“No one can know I’m here.” Clarke sighs. They had been through this. “It will just make people ask questions when I leave.”

 

“But, sweetie you don’t need to leave.”

 

“Kane will need someone to help with organizing trade routes.” Clarke says, pausing to clasp Lexa’s fingers in her own. “She will need my help too.”

 

“I don’t know why you would want to help after everythi—.”

 

  
“Mom, stop.” Clarke snaps. She knew very well that her mother was aware of her feelings for Lexa, after all she broke down over her in front of everyone. She understood her mothers reservations, but she was growing tired of her mother’s remarks. As much as she didn't want to have this discussion with her, it seemed as though it was becoming inevitable.

 

“Clarke, honey.” Abby started, causing Clarke to gritt her teeth in response. “There is no need to go back, we aren’t the thirteenth clan anymore. After everything she did at the mountain and taking you why would you —.”

 

“She didn’t take me, she saved me from the bounty that was on my head.” Clarke growled, this had to stop.

 

“The mountain.” Abby reasoned. “All those people she made you kill.”

 

Clarke let go of Lexa to pinch the bridge of her nose, breathing in. Her anger rising, fueling the quiet fury that lived within her now, simmering under the surface. She had grown accustomed to its presence, but she hardly thought losing control in front of her mother would solve anything. If anything, her mother would find some way to suggest it was the Commanders fault.

 

  
“STOP!” Clarke yelled as she stood up, sending the chair she was sitting on clattering to floor. Heaving in a breath she tried to calm herself as she watched her Mother retracted slightly from her in shock. She heaves in another breathe. Just breathe.  Out of the corner of her eye she sees Murphy tilting his head towards Abby. A silent instruction to just tell her. Clarke grimaced at the thought. She hated talking about her feelings especially when it had to do with the mountain, but she was tired of her mothers ignorance when it came to Lexa, tired of her judgment. So she steeled herself. _Just breathe_.

 

“When Mount Weather fell, I didn't think I would ever be me again.” She pauses, gathering her thoughts, her courage. “I thought that someone who could do that, kill all of those people shouldn't survive.”

 

  
“You only did that because she—.” Clarke holds her hand up to halt her Mothers words, to bring her accusing gaze away from Lexa.

 

“I didn’t survive. A part of me died that day.” She smiles despite herself. “The day Wanheda was born.”

 

Clarke paused, moving away from the bed and leaning to grip on a nearby table. Hands, clenching around the table, she let her mother absorb her words as she thought of the days before the adults landed, all of the death and destruction and how to best explain who she was to her mother, how to make her understand.

 

“I didn’t return to Arkadia because I couldn’t look at them and be reminded everyday of what I had done to save them. So I left.”

 

“I remember.” Abby recalls. “You walked with me back from the mountain but when we all went inside the Ark you where gone.”

 

“Lexa didn’t have me.” Her Mothers gaze rose at that. “I was by myself, I lived in the woods, hunting and gathering. I spoke to no one other than a couple of grounders. I was doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive. That’s all I thought I deserved - to just survive.”

 

  
She turns her head to look at Lexa’s still form, remembering how fueled by hate she was. “I Hated her with every fiber of my being because I thought that she did this to me. That I was broken because of her. “

 

“You were.”

 

“No.” She reasons, returning her gaze to Abby. “I was broken long before I met her. I killed 200 of her warriors because they attacked us, I killed people to survive. The mountain is what pushed me over that edge I had already been teetering on. Because for the first time I killed innocents.”

 

Clarke gripped the table harder, knuckles turning white as her fingers dig into the wood grain. “There were kids in that room.”

 

  
“But, I did what had to be done to save my people.” She laughs darkly, letting go of the table to ball her hands into fists. “I would do it again.To save everyone.”

 

She looks up at her mother, eyes glistening with challenge. “Even if she hadn’t left they still would have died, I would still have blood on my hands. Do you really think after all they did to us, bleeding us dry, using us so they could live that any of them could be left alive?”

 

 She taps her hands against the table as she tries to control her breathing, ready to rebut her Mothers answer, when she catches a barely audible “No.” 

 

Spurred on by her response Clarke continues. “She did what was best for her people. I would have done the same. I realized that when I was taken to polis; I didn't hate her.” Clarke whispered, tears springing in her eyes, lip trembling as she tries desperately to hold in the emotions that are quickly spiraling out of her control. _Just breathe._

 

“I hated me!” She cries, slamming her fists against the table, the wood creaking in protest. Her breathing ragged. “I watched them all burn.”

 

“Oh honey.” Abby coos, moving to envelop her daughter in a hug, but pauses when Clarke raises her hand again taking a step back from the table, trying to regain her composure.

 

 

Clarke stands shaking with effort as she tries to pull the mask of Wanheda back. This was not the time for the anger that has protected her so beautifully these last few months. This was not the time for Wanheda, this was about Lexa. About making her Mother see that Lexa is not breaking Clarke, she is what is keeping her together. Wanheda had no place in this discussion. This was a time for a purity of emotion that she quiet often rallied against, tried to keep inside, until Lexa clawed it out of her. Just breathe. So she does. She breathes deep as she lets a single tear slip down her cheek.

 

 “I spent so long in that forest, in polis, believing that I would never find peace.” Unsure of what to do with her hands, Clarke starts gesturing to herself. “That this darkness that I feel inside, Wanheda, is the burden I bear so my people could survive. Even if it felt like I wasn’t.”  Clarke looks up to make sure her mother is still listening.

 

“A part of me finds moments of it though.” Abby’s brow furrows. “Peace.” Clarke clarifies.

 

 

Clarke walks over to Lexa’s bedside, running fingertips over Lexa’s cheek bone.  She takes a steadying breathe, no longer trying to keep the tears, from falling down her cheeks as she remembers the hours she would stare intently at the gentle rise and fall of Lexa's chest. It was as if Clarke her self was keeping Lexa alive and if she looked away for a moment Lexa would leave her and that couldn’t happen. Clarke didn't think she could survive that. Didn’t think she would want to survive that. She had never felt anything like it, not with Finn, not with anyone. As much as it scared her she craved it. Craved the way it lit up her life, like fire being pumped through her veins and without it she felt cold, lifeless. Like she was the one lying in that bed.

 

  
“With her.” She says, lifting her eyes to meet Abby’s, continuing to trace Lexa’s features with her fingertips. “She brings me peace. A peace I didn't expect or think I deserved. Small moments where I get to exist again.” She closes her eyes, tilting her face up towards the ceiling. “Where I am  not a broken and angry Wanheda. It’s just me, just Clarke. They are small moments, fleeting, but they are precious.”

 

Clarke smiles against her tears as she remembers drawing Lexa as she slept, how calm she felt. “And she gives them to me.” 

 

“She got shot because of me.” Her voice breaks, forcing herself to choke back a sob as tears run freely now, painting her skin with their sadness. “Because I was selfish. I wanted to just be me again before I had to become Wanheda.” She blinks, taking a step back, grasping Lexa’s hand tight in her own as she forces herself to continue looking at her mother.

 

“She was bleeding out, dying before my eyes and do you know what she said?”

 

Abby, moves to clutch Clarke's other hand, rubbing soothing circles into her palm, urging her to continue.

 

“She told me to not be afraid.” Clarke took another breathe. “And then she repeated what I told her when we first met. That I was right, life was about more than just surviving. She was still trying, with what she thought where her last breaths, to give me one more of those precious moments. Where I could just be me. And she could just be her. Someone who does that isn’t a bad person.” She sobs.

 

  
She leans her weight against Abby, allowing herself a brief moment of comfort before she pulled back to meet her mother’s gaze. She needed to finish.

 

“She is my person.” Clarke smiles down at the brunette. “We are alike her and I - both of us were chosen to lead to young, we have seen too much and done too much to ever be completely whole. But we continue to wound ourselves for our people, for the innocent.”

 

“You don't have to do that anymore. We are here.” Abby reasons.

 

“How well did that work out?” Clarke states tersely, pulling Wanheda back once again. Just breathe.

 

“We are what we are. We are both broken, a necessary evil to protect our people.” She clutches Lexa’s hand tighter. “We can only hope to become strong in the broken places.”  She lets go of her Mothers hand, to brush stray hair out of the brunettes face, as she admires her through tear filled eyes. “I don’t feel broken when I'm with her mom. I feel alive and warm and vulnerable and its exhilarating  because I never thought I could hope to feel like this again, But I do.” She leans down to place a feather light kiss against the pale womans brow. “I will never be able to repay her for that.”

 

She takes a long breathe as she closes her eyes, breathing in Lexa’s scent,  waiting for a semblance of control to return to her body. “I wanted you to know about her.The real her.” Clarke finishes as she opens her eyes.

 

“You love her?” Abby questions with a small smile.

 

“I—.” Clarke stands ready to defend herself.

 

“I would also like to hear that answer.” Both womens heads snap towards the sound of the voice.

 

“Lex?” Clarke whispers against a smile as she rushes to cup the girls face with both hands, tears once again falling freely.

 

She is rewarded with a pale hand gingerly squeezing her own. “I’m here Hodnes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I left it at a bit of a cliff hanger, but the chapter was getting out of control in length so I ended it here. I hope to update again this coming week, so don't worry there will not be another lengthy hiatus :P 
> 
> Until next time :)


End file.
